Forget the Bailout, or How to Really Deal with Financial Crisis.

Via Gay News Blog, this week's tidbit of hilarious humor: Reputed Financial Advisor Michael Heath proposes the following measures to deal with financial crisis:

Heath goes on to list policy changes that would make God “crack a smile,” including: End abortion rights and defund non-profit groups supporting it, amend state constitutions to ban gay marriage and eliminate domestic partnerships and civil unions for gay and lesbian couples, and end discrimination against private religious schools and homeschools.

Definitely, why spend so many billions and zillions when you've got the solution at hand? Open the bible instead of touching the interest rate.

I now pronounce you husband and SUV

We bears (and gays) have been hearing fundamentalist Christians arguing against gay marriage for a while. One of the reasons they usually point out is that "marriage can only take place between a man and a woman" and if we allow other genres to marry, such would lead to a weird what's next, as in "humans marrying their pets" et al.  Another feature of born again Christians, like president George W. Bush, is their abhorrence of alcoholic beverages.

Well, I have eventually found the proof that they are really right in their appreciations. See what a combination of liquor and free marriage can lead to:

Couching on Bears.

Yes, we're somehow back after some months of silence, there's gonna be major changes in this blog and there'll be people who'll take the most part of such changes, but before publishing the introductory post, I couldn't help wonder thru this picture of Mrs. Palin. I'm frankly worried not only because of the awful decorative taste she's showing (who would really want such a crab in the lounging room? and what's most important, is that really a crab or does it come from Area 51?) but, mostly, because of the love for bears Sarah shows.

I can't deny, as a gay man and as a pocket bear, that one of my sexual fantasies is having a Bear Couch. And since I didn't get the context of the picture I can't be sure whether she's in love with bears or she just loves to hunt them and make them couch her. Any of the cute bears I know (and I know a few, believe me), would surely cuddle the lady for a while, but I'm not sure we'd love to be shot and made couches in order to have people's asses upon ourselves. We surely choose carefully whose ass we get under.

And y'all, twinks, jocks and all the rest of the Gay Nation, beware. If we bears are intended to turn into couches, what use will you have at the eyes of Mrs. Palin?

Comedy in theaters and Knesset. And the Peanut Butter Jar.

After some weeks of watching mostly drama and thriller movies, I was looking for a good comedy this weekend, just to relax from work, also from the political campaign in Spain (which has good points, for instance, as I'm following Spain's politicians I don't have time anymore to follow the candidates in the USA). The only movie I could find in theatres currently, a decent comedy (and I mean "decent" in the sense of "please don't play me another stupid American teen movie") was, of course, Juno. But this is Party for the Rights and Juno is not a comedy about homosexuality, eh? No problem, there's enough comedy worldwide. Would you believe, dear abominable readers, that YOU cause earthquakes "when putting your genitalia where they're not supposed to be put"? That's exactly the collegiate opinion of Schlomo Benizri, who declared in Israel's Knesset, this week, about the measures to be taken on Israel's readiness on earthquakes.

It must have been funny, a committee of lawmakers having experts stating about measures and all that blah blah, and then this guy comes up and says something like, "if you stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes", that's the best measure to be taken in order to prevent victims on earthquakes, and quakes themselves.

If one thinks carefully about the whole thing, it's obvious that religion, ultra-orthodox religion, is always behind such attacks. Those ultra-religious people, fanatics and fundamentalists, are quite similar to little children who aren't able to catch a good sleep without a good tale before switching the lights off. The problem, and I use "problem" here because they move towards creating a problem for us, the problem then, I say, is only that ultra-religious people do believe that their tale is true. Pastors, bishops and preachers in the USA oppose homosexual marriage saying "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". Funny slogan, but it's not Adam and Eve unless you defend Creationism (which is lately labeled as Intelligent Design, as if it was some sort of Italian couch or a masterpiece of Rem Koolhaas). There was no Adam and there was no Eve, there is the Theory of Evolution and that's science. And some people will still go dreaming of Peanut Butter Jars after being read the Bible Fairy Tale before going to sleep.

It's February First

And it seems I can be back to blogging after a (much needed) forced break. In the meantime, the world doesn't seem to have changed a lot in regards to homosexuality and our issues. Churches worldwide continue their crusade against abomination with no less strength than ever. My friend NG sent me a brief note saying that the bishop of Tenerife stepped back his former statements on homosexuality and altar boys; No, it's not true. Bishop keeps as lewd as ever, and you better not be around him if you're below 14 or he'll sue you for asking him for sexual favors. The rest of the Spanish Catholic hierarchy stepped into the political debate (we'll be on election next March 9th) by recommending to vote that party which "will never negotiate a peaceful ending to Basque terrorism, which will abolish abortion and divorce laws, and put an end to the abominable depravation of same sex marriage". Among other points, Archbishop of Madrid asked for Catechism to be re-introduced into the Spanish K12 curricula as compulsory subject, and he's expected to keep asking, as the political campaign go on, to re-introduce Catholic Religion as compulsory for Spaniards, as well as General Francisco Franco to be resuscitated from among the dead, or if such a miracle is not possible via the Vatican, at least to sanctify Franco, his generals, and all participants in the Holy Crusade that was 1936 Spanish Civil War. By March 1st, it's expected that Monsignor Rouco Varela be asking to reintroduce the Holy Inquisition, bonfires for witchcraft practitioners and for all those who can't prove to be Old Christians. By March 9th, it'll be likely that, at least in Spain, the earth to cease moving around the sun, and the latter start moving around the earth, which will become a flat planet.

Take it like a man.

Around early September, 2006, ABC news said that four prison inmates in El Salvador were discovered with mobile phones inside their anal cavities, according to Slate (the original ABC link is no longer working). That prompted Slate to wonder (and answer too) how much stuff a person could handle up the anus. The writing is way too interesting and enlightening to leave it away, though found in a moment of procrastination. Since Slate tends to keep their old articles for quite a bit of months, here's the link. But the answer, for those who don't want to browse there to find out what you can and what you shouldn't stuff up your ass, is this:

In general, it takes a fair bit of training to conceal something that's more than a couple of inches in diameter. As a general rule, the medical literature on "retained colorectal foreign bodies" considers anything bigger a "large object."

For the full fun, of course, go to Slate and read the full article.

Technorati tags: Retained colorectal foreign bodies

Forget Iran, here's the real enemy

Sometimes one's forced to get some months back in time. Remember the Ig Nobel Awards earlier this year, and how the Gay Bomb was one? Roman Silantyev is a man most revered among Eurabian bloggers for his articles on how muslims are baptizing in former Soviet Union, (I read that before in my grade 6 history class, but it was about Isabel and Fernando, the Catholic Kings of Spain and the forced baptization of muslims, jews and non catholics alike during the 16th century). Silantyev seemed to have entered some sort of late night show back in October this year, when he stated to Interfax, the Russian News Agency, in regards to that "gay bomb", that "the development of this bomb means that the Pentagon equates the propagation of the idea of homosexuality to weapons of mass destruction".

Hence, President Bush's definition of the "Axis of Evil" is wrong. The New Axis of Evil should include countries that not only "promote homosexuality" by allowing gay pride parades, but nations that go even further, allowing gay marriage: Canada, Spain, South Africa, the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Belgium and the very USA Fifth Column of Massachussets!!!

I'm not sure that the UN Security Council be expected to issue a resolution in this matter before air raids start over all these WMDs-bearing countries. However, Mr. Silantyev was deadly serious in his statements.

Technorati tags: Going mad on homosexuality, The gay Axis of Evil

Tonsils and Homosexuality, a fascinating neuroscience issue

The Spanish political blogosphere is a bit revolted today especially on the leftist side because some woman named Cristina Lopez Schlichting pointed out on her radio space that "homosexuality can be cured". Nothing more, nothing less, this Spanish Ann Coulter wannabe has simply voiced in Spanish what many others have been doing in the USA for years.  Nacho Escolar links Dos Manzanas about the issue in a simple single sentence which says more or less: "Cristina Lopez Schlichting's got the answer (to the question: How to cure homosexuality). Neuroscience is back".

The most interesting part of Escolar post is not on Cristina, but on the Neuroscience side, which links to the transcription of a short interview aired by COPE radio station in 2005 during a demonstration by Family Forum (yes, even in the names Spaniard neocons copy Americans), originally published in Microsiervos. Among some other pearls, the woman interviewed stated her capabilities to give an opinion on homosexuality by saying that back when she was studying psychology, on the subject of Neuroscience there were texts making clear that "when animals have a gland injured, called tonsil, they develop homosexual tendencies, which are of course unnatural because when the seminal fluid enters the anus it can't procreate because all it finds is poopoo" — a more or less bad translation of her point against homosexuality (apart of her 8 children of course, and her blatant bigoted ultracatholicism that she failed to mention). For those of you understanding Spanish, don't miss the original links.

Technorati tags: Spanish neocons, Liberalism in Spain means ultracatholicism, Neuroscience Tonsils and Homosexuality, Abominations and Deadly Sins

Are you God Almighty?

Many a time you have thought of yourself as Divine, but are you really? Answer this test and find out!!!

1.- You know that some evil king named Herod is going to murder every child in his country aged below 2. You...
a) Denounce the situation to all the country's citizens so they can take measures.
b) Only warn your neighbors.
c) Escape to Egypt not giving notice to anybody.

2.- You're in need to send a message to humankind. You...
a) Being God Almighty, you appear before the whole humankind simultaneously.
b) Being God Almighty, you jam TV signals on prime time.
c) Being God Almighty, you appear before some obscure humble shepherds that nobody will believe.

3,- When thinking about having a baby...
a) You are going to have it with your wife/partner.
b) You think of adopting one.
c) You send a dove in charge of fertilizing some woman.

4.- You send some guy to the task of rescuing your chosen people from captivity in Egypt via a 40-years trip through the desert. When arriving to the promised land...
a) You give that guy an extra payment for the task.
b) You cheer that guy for doing his task well.
c) You tell that guy that you've decided him to die never setting foot on the promised land.

5.- You've got a son, the epitome of absolute goodness and justice, you send him to earth, and it seems that everybody there cheers and welcomes  him as leader of a just, equalitarian society...
a) You have him running for president of the Republic.
b) You name him King.
c) You leave him to be crucified.

6.- Your followers have founded a religion. What's your opinion about all the other beliefs?
a) I don't see myself as a religious person.
b) I do respect all other beliefs.
c) I think all people not believing in my followers' religion should be killed in a jihad or crusade, and this message I do make known by my followers on earth.

7.- When confronted to social injustice, you...
a) Being God Almighty, I do correct inequalities.
b) I give realms to the poor.
c) I leave things as is.

8.- Let's suppose you're the one and only God in creation. Would you allow other religions to exist?
a) I am atheist/agnostic.
b) Yes, but I'll make clear they'll go to hell.
c) Yes, but I'll make my representatives on earth to invade infidels' countries to rape and murder them on a jihad or crusade. After that, I'd send the infidels to hell.

9,- Do you believe in women's rights?
a) Yes.
b) No, but I admit the possibility that women have souls, and even that women could be qualified as human beings.
c) No. Women are inferior beings and that's made clear in my doctrine.

10.- Besides gold, what would you ask the Three Wise Men for?
a) A house and a good job.
b) A Wii and an iPhone.
c) Incense and myrrh.

SOLUTION:

Majority of A - No, you're not really God Almighty.
Majority of B - You've got manners. You've got some qualities to become god of some monotheist religion, but you lack toughness.
Majority of C - Indeed, you're God Almighty.

(Badly translated from Spanish, via Halón Disparado).

Technorati tags: Tests, Religion, God Almighty

Blame it all on The Gays

Technorati tags: Humor, Anti-gay, Youtube

And the Ig Nobel prize goes to...

The Air Force Wright Laboratory, Dayton, Ohio, USA, has been awarded the Ig Nobel Price of Peace, for instigating research & development on a chemical weapon -- the so-called "gay bomb" -- that will make enemy soldiers become sexually irresistible to each other. The reference work: "Harassing, Annoying, and 'Bad Guy' Identifying Chemicals," Wright Laboratory, WL/FIVR, Wright Patterson Air Force Base, Ohio, June 1, 1994.

Such "gay bomb" would fall into Cathegory 3 chemical weapons: those which "affect human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected. One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."

 

Apart of the joke of gay bombs, gay sprays or whatever you might consider, what's clear from this work is that by 1994 at least, the USA Air Forces, or at least some of their personnel, were trying to find new ways on chemical weapons, while some years later accussing other countries of their own procedures. Now who's got WMDs?

Technorati tags: Gay WMDs, Ig Nobel Peace Price 2007, Gay bomb, USAF

Ahmadinejad Invites U.N. Inspectors to Search for Homosexuals

Just days after asserting that there are no homosexuals in Iran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today invited United Nations inspectors into his country to search for homosexuals. "We have nothing to hide," Mr. Ahmadinejad said in a speech to the United Nations General Assembly. "You can search the entire country – even the airport bathrooms." While some senior U.S. diplomats expressed skepticism about the Iranian president's offer to allow U.N.  inspectors to search his country for homosexuals, Mr. Ahmadinejad attempted to silence the skeptics by permitting the use of "advanced gaydar technology" as part of the proposed inspections. "In Iran we have the most advanced gaydar in the world and we are prepared to share it with you," he said.

In the immediate aftermath of Mr. Ahmadinejad's speech, it was unclear as to who would lead the U.N.'s inspection efforts, but most diplomats assumed that the task would fall to Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA). At a press conference at the United Nations, Mr. ElBaradei acknowledged that he had no previous experience searching for homosexuals, but said that if chosen to lead the inspection effort he would make sure that the inspections were "rigorous and thorough." "The possibility that Iran may possess homosexuals is a serious matter to the world community,"  Mr. ElBaradei said. "There has been evidence for some time that Iran may be attempting to build a Broadway musical."

Elsewhere, President Bush made his first official comment on the situation in Myanmar, telling reporters, "I will support whichever side is easier to pronounce."

[Note: The above text's been taken from a message in Yahoo! Groups]

Technorati tags: Humor, Iran, USA, Politics, LGBT

Red Pepper's Guide to Gay Uganda.

Last Sunday, Ugandan newspaper Red Pepper published, under the heading "Homo Terror!" a list of names and descriptions of 40 men allegedly gay. Apart of the fact that the self-called paper is targeting those guys for physical violence, the "article" goes on with descriptions of Gay Lifestyle, How to Spot a Gay, and other funny stories. Were this case not so serious, one would think that Red Pepper is some sort of "News of the World". Here's the funny part, copied from their own print. All typing is sic. and you can check the article's to pages here and here.

When does a gay man get a crash on another man?

The types of men gays like:

• A tall and muscular guy with model like looks.
• Handsome looking guys with a sense of style
• Guys with bums and nice eyes.
• For lesbians, you must have those sexy big boobs, model like booty and light skinned.
• Gay men like rugged looking men with well chiselled bodies like mechanics, wheel barrow pushers and men who work out in the gym.
• They like men with six packs and small beards.

These tastes are just like the women's tastes. Many women in this city believe that most handsome men are either gay or bisexual because the gays have qualities cherished by women.

On top of that, they get sponsorship packages from foreign countries and turn them down because they don't like white people. They get a lot of offers including condoms, oils, liquids, and electronics like phones.

An average gay man in Uganda is computer literate and uses the internet in a daily basis. They can afford rent bills even when not working due to financial sponsorship and they will follow you to find out where you stay if they like you.

Characteristics of a gay man

• They are some of the most handsome men in the city.
• Have a sense of fashion and style. They do anything to improve their bodies and looks. They go to massage parlours. They command a sense of beauty. Sixty percent of the good looking guys in the city is either gay or bi-sexual.
• They maintain proper hygiene and smell expensive perfumes and deodorants. They put on latest clothes in town, tight jeans, tight fitting shirts, and good looking shoes. They are trend. A gay man spends most of his money on clothes, perfumes and body lotions.
• Party animals they go to each and every bar and club in the city and they move in groups.
• They care about their hair, nails and skin. They don't put on jewellery. They say jewellery is "kyalo" (rural).
• They control their diet because they don't want to grow fat. They like to look sexy and attractive. Most of them are cosmopolitan. Women are always attracted to them but always disappoint them.
• The bi-sexuals always have one woman and four other guys. A bi-sexual can never have two girl-friends or wives. It is always one woman and he cheats on her with other men.
• They don't like football because they don't enjoy it but they like Rugby because they love rugged men and they are always in plenty at Rugby matches.
• They love to socialize
• They hate women and kids. They always say they are not ready for kids and if you insist he leaves you.
• They know hot to charm people because they are not shy and that's why women fall for them.
• If they like you they can spend on you because they never have a budget. They have no one to buy milk, food, clothes or pay school fees and so they are always loaded.
• They never get annoyed with anyone.
• They are jealous lovers. They can even fight for a man just like ladies do.
• They are always checking in the mirror for their hair, skin or teeth. Some of them carry bags with make up.
• They understand safe sex and always carry condoms with them.
• They rarely get drunk for they are always watching for their prey.
• If they spot a sexy looking man who is not a gay they will make surehe becomes one of them.
• If you get used to hanging with them you can tell you are gay. They are sexy, smart, sharp, handsome, loaded, and stylish; they know all the designers of the world.
• Their favourite TV programmes are series, soaps, sitcoms and comedies, they love tough guys.
• They watch beauty contests simply to learn how to walk.
• They fall in love and get heartbroken to the extent that they can't eat. But they can't stress because they know how to let go.

Parties and bars

These people are loaded to the extent that they always hold parties almost every month. The parties range from dinner parties, birthdays, anniversaries, welcoming new members and friends, gay visitors and sponsors from abroad.

One unique thing about them is proper coordination. They know how to coordinate and organise parties. If it needs contribution, they can do it and in just one week 2 million shillings is raised. They are not thieves they and always trust each other.

How parties are organised

The chairman sends messages to every gay person up the country inviting them for an occasion. If it is someone's birthday, or dinner, that person sends invitations to only the people he likes and drinks are always on the house. They have rules. If you come with someone, you must bring an extra drink. If it is an organizational anniversary or party, the chairman sends e-mails and sms to all gays phones and will ask you to forward the message to any other member you know, i. e. "party at Kenny's place on Sunday, let others know." They will even ask yo to come with a new friend or a friend. You can not crash these parties.

During these parties, new friends are introduced, phone numbers are exchanged, they talk about work places and celebrate having defeated the press.

A lot of fun is there. Popular dancing groups are hired, speeches given and then the drinking starts.

After the parties they go to clubs or their popular Karaoke clubs. The dress code is optional. Others put on their mini skirts or gomesis, they wear G-strings and before you enter the party you are given a name like Nakacwa, Nalubega name it all and the girls are given names like Basajjakambwe, Usher, Tyrese and so on. It's you who chooses a name you want. At the party they just eat, dance and drink. New boys and girls are hooked here.

Open up

if they realize that you know their game, they will start conning you. He will start praising your beautiful looks, and clothes, ask you where you shop clothes from and request you to take him there: "Give me your number. I will call you and we go there".

Famous bars are

• T COZY bar in Makerere it the most popular these days.
• Dizzy Drop in Ntinda.
• Steak Out.
• Ground Zero.
• Shallow End.
• Luteete Gardens (Venue for parties).

The rich and prominent ones are always in the VIP areas and expensive spots in town. Or they organise their own dinner parties at their posh homes.

Terminologies used by gays

If you are a gay, they will call you "Kuchu". If you are not they will call you "Straight". A girl who is not a lesbo is a "Fish", (Ekyenyanja). A gay or a lesbian is either TOP GIRL or LIPSTICK. Top girl is the one who behaves like a man in a relationship and lipstick behaves like a woman. A gay man who f**ks is TOP and the one who is f**ked is called BOTTOM.

How the gay men shaft

They start by kissing each other. The parts they kiss are the chest, tits, and stomach and finally they do the blow-job part. After that the one who is top applies the oils or jelly in the anus of the one who is bottom. The jellies are sent to the gays here from abroad. After kissing and touching and applying the oils, they decide on whether to start with missionary or any other style. The doggy style is always the last one. It is said that the doggy style is the easiest one for the man to come. That is why they prefer using it last. The bottom men, it is said, don't like men who take long to come because it gets dry and the bottom starts feeling pain.

Technorati tags: Uganda, Red Pepper newspaper, Guide to Gay Uganda, Humor, Abominations and Deadly Sins

How I was on the verge of being saved from abomination

Much more often than it should, religion mingles with sexuality in odd manners. I'm not challenging the good will of believers who back in my life tried to heal my abominational sexual drive — though not directed towards them. The first time I recall someone trying to put all his skills into remaking me heterosexual it must have been in the early 90s when I was working part time as editor for some sort of Islamic monthly magazine. The imam proposed explicitly "a very successful therapy based in electroshocks" which I didn't hesitate to kindly refuse. Some years later, for reasons not pertaining to this story, I was more or less introduced into the Nigerian community in Madrid when one of them, a Pentecostalist pastor, thought that it was time to save a soul for Jesus.

By that time, my attitude towards mild fundamentalistic faiths had slightly changed, proven that dialogue wouldn't work to let me alone, I had aleady assumed that the best apporach was to dress myself into a militant atheist custom, but that wouldn't work with Nigerian pentecostalists either. I was to be saved, whether I wanted it or not. After five days of being shadowed by the pastor in question every time I was to be working at any of the many Nigerian owned internet cafes in the southern area of Madrid, I confessed my discomfort to a close friend. This good brother dropped my sexual behavior to the pastor, who became horrified. His efforts had to be doubled at least, if Jesus was to gain a sinner for his reign.

I managed to stay away from system maintenance for some days but I couldn't avoid it forever, and some given Saturday evening there happened to be a failure in a computer. I was called, and of course the pastor was there, couldn't have happened otherwise. Tony was there too, and the drama was perceptibly approaching. I started to fix the computer while the pastor started his invokations to the Holy Ghost to descend upon me and heal all my sins. I was guaranteed to marry a nice girl and have half dozen kids after that evening. Yuck!

When I finished with the system maintenance, the religious job was still not done. Probably I drew a bit of negative influence upon me by having a couple of beers and joking with other people around while the guy entered his final round of jaculatories, but I had no idea yet about how to get rid of such elements. Eventually, with a final delivery of powerful faithful energy, I was done the complete process of rebirth in Christ and transform into a happy heterosexual man. The pastor approached, proud of God's work.

And then I kissed him, mouth to mouth. Probably he didn't enjoy, I didn't put much passion on that. My friend Tony dropped to the floor in laughs, and he wasn't the only one. I never was tried to be saved again, up to this day.

Technorati tags: Abominations and Deadly Sins, Humor, Life, Religion

Baptist Ban on Kilts.

Via Technorati one comes across a stupendous post in Aye!, one of those things about which one's never sure whether to laugh at endlessly or take for real and wonder where this world is heading to. Baptists for Brownback have blogged an hilarious rant about that Scottish traditonal and proud garment, the Kilt.

Allegedly, such garment for men would allow homosexuals for a much quicker "fornication" method. One can't be completely sure that the whole blog is not a sattire; some of the comments are asking that question of course, but in the "About" section it reads that "We believe that God has chosen Sam Brownback to take the baton from George W. Bush in 2008 and continue the fight against sin and immorality right here in this country as well as abroad."

Anyway, not only the post "The Sissification of Seatle" is hilarious, but the posterior apology that "Some kilt-wearing men may be heterosexual after all" though in great risk of sinning.

And that's what's going on with such puritan, bigot, narrow minded Christians: they're so busy watching out for their inner devils on everything that they probably lose contact with the Real World®

Update: check out the Landover Baptist Church, and more specially the "What We (and God) Believe" page for loads of laughs. And then relax and think again - How many people you know that can really act that way?

Technorati tags: Kilt, Homophobia, Sam Brownback, Seattle, USA, Abominations and Deadly Sins