Friday, September 14, 2007

Red Pepper's Guide to Gay Uganda.

Last Sunday, Ugandan newspaper Red Pepper published, under the heading "Homo Terror!" a list of names and descriptions of 40 men allegedly gay. Apart of the fact that the self-called paper is targeting those guys for physical violence, the "article" goes on with descriptions of Gay Lifestyle, How to Spot a Gay, and other funny stories. Were this case not so serious, one would think that Red Pepper is some sort of "News of the World". Here's the funny part, copied from their own print. All typing is sic. and you can check the article's to pages here and here.

When does a gay man get a crash on another man?

The types of men gays like:

  • A tall and muscular guy with model like looks.
  • Handsome looking guys with a sense of style
  • Guys with bums and nice eyes.
  • For lesbians, you must have those sexy big boobs, model like booty and light skinned.
  • Gay men like rugged looking men with well chiselled bodies like mechanics, wheel barrow pushers and men who work out in the gym.
  • They like men with six packs and small beards.

These tastes are just like the women's tastes. Many women in this city believe that most handsome men are either gay or bisexual because the gays have qualities cherished by women.

On top of that, they get sponsorship packages from foreign countries and turn them down because they don't like white people. They get a lot of offers including condoms, oils, liquids, and electronics like phones.

An average gay man in Uganda is computer literate and uses the internet in a daily basis. They can afford rent bills even when not working due to financial sponsorship and they will follow you to find out where you stay if they like you.

Characteristics of a gay man

  • They are some of the most handsome men in the city.
  • Have a sense of fashion and style. They do anything to improve their bodies and looks. They go to massage parlours. They command a sense of beauty. Sixty percent of the good looking guys in the city is either gay or bi-sexual.
  • They maintain proper hygiene and smell expensive perfumes and deodorants. They put on latest clothes in town, tight jeans, tight fitting shirts, and good looking shoes. They are trend. A gay man spends most of his money on clothes, perfumes and body lotions.
  • Party animals they go to each and every bar and club in the city and they move in groups.
  • They care about their hair, nails and skin. They don't put on jewellery. They say jewellery is "kyalo" (rural).
  • They control their diet because they don't want to grow fat. They like to look sexy and attractive. Most of them are cosmopolitan. Women are always attracted to them but always disappoint them.
  • The bi-sexuals always have one woman and four other guys. A bi-sexual can never have two girl-friends or wives. It is always one woman and he cheats on her with other men.
  • They don't like football because they don't enjoy it but they like Rugby because they love rugged men and they are always in plenty at Rugby matches.
  • They love to socialize
  • They hate women and kids. They always say they are not ready for kids and if you insist he leaves you.
  • They know hot to charm people because they are not shy and that's why women fall for them.
  • If they like you they can spend on you because they never have a budget. They have no one to buy milk, food, clothes or pay school fees and so they are always loaded.
  • They never get annoyed with anyone.
  • They are jealous lovers. They can even fight for a man just like ladies do.
  • They are always checking in the mirror for their hair, skin or teeth. Some of them carry bags with make up.
  • They understand safe sex and always carry condoms with them.
  • They rarely get drunk for they are always watching for their prey.
  • If they spot a sexy looking man who is not a gay they will make surehe becomes one of them.
  • If you get used to hanging with them you can tell you are gay. They are sexy, smart, sharp, handsome, loaded, and stylish; they know all the designers of the world.
  • Their favourite TV programmes are series, soaps, sitcoms and comedies, they love tough guys.
  • They watch beauty contests simply to learn how to walk.
  • They fall in love and get heartbroken to the extent that they can't eat. But they can't stress because they know how to let go.

Parties and bars

These people are loaded to the extent that they always hold parties almost every month. The parties range from dinner parties, birthdays, anniversaries, welcoming new members and friends, gay visitors and sponsors from abroad.

One unique thing about them is proper coordination. They know how to coordinate and organise parties. If it needs contribution, they can do it and in just one week 2 million shillings is raised. They are not thieves they and always trust each other.

How parties are organised

The chairman sends messages to every gay person up the country inviting them for an occasion. If it is someone's birthday, or dinner, that person sends invitations to only the people he likes and drinks are always on the house. They have rules. If you come with someone, you must bring an extra drink. If it is an organizational anniversary or party, the chairman sends e-mails and sms to all gays phones and will ask you to forward the message to any other member you know, i. e. "party at Kenny's place on Sunday, let others know." They will even ask yo to come with a new friend or a friend. You can not crash these parties.

During these parties, new friends are introduced, phone numbers are exchanged, they talk about work places and celebrate having defeated the press.

A lot of fun is there. Popular dancing groups are hired, speeches given and then the drinking starts.

After the parties they go to clubs or their popular Karaoke clubs. The dress code is optional. Others put on their mini skirts or gomesis, they wear G-strings and before you enter the party you are given a name like Nakacwa, Nalubega name it all and the girls are given names like Basajjakambwe, Usher, Tyrese and so on. It's you who chooses a name you want. At the party they just eat, dance and drink. New boys and girls are hooked here.

Open up

if they realize that you know their game, they will start conning you. He will start praising your beautiful looks, and clothes, ask you where you shop clothes from and request you to take him there: "Give me your number. I will call you and we go there".

Famous bars are

  • T COZY bar in Makerere it the most popular these days.
  • Dizzy Drop in Ntinda.
  • Steak Out.
  • Ground Zero.
  • Shallow End.
  • Luteete Gardens (Venue for parties).

The rich and prominent ones are always in the VIP areas and expensive spots in town. Or they organise their own dinner parties at their posh homes.

Terminologies used by gays

If you are a gay, they will call you "Kuchu". If you are not they will call you "Straight". A girl who is not a lesbo is a "Fish", (Ekyenyanja). A gay or a lesbian is either TOP GIRL or LIPSTICK. Top girl is the one who behaves like a man in a relationship and lipstick behaves like a woman. A gay man who f**ks is TOP and the one who is f**ked is called BOTTOM.

How the gay men shaft

They start by kissing each other. The parts they kiss are the chest, tits, and stomach and finally they do the blow-job part. After that the one who is top applies the oils or jelly in the anus of the one who is bottom. The jellies are sent to the gays here from abroad. After kissing and touching and applying the oils, they decide on whether to start with missionary or any other style. The doggy style is always the last one. It is said that the doggy style is the easiest one for the man to come. That is why they prefer using it last. The bottom men, it is said, don't like men who take long to come because it gets dry and the bottom starts feeling pain.

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